Let’s talk syrups.
At a recent wedding a balding bridegroom was blackmailed into giving his speech in a toupee.
The patter was, of course, hilarious, the hirsute had fun and it reminded the guest in a red shirt with white sleeves of Stan.
Having (almost) purchased the club, the Mane Man – with Ivan the Follicle – has an opportunity to cover the wide parting in the team, re-thatch the squad and combover a coach.
They have to persuade the Professor of Pomade to recruit experienced, English players such as Scott Parker and Phil Jagielka (the more likely apparently).
They should also demand he pulls the rug from under those on the fringe like the Ivorian idiot, the Spanish waiter, the less than full Brazilian, the overweight Russian and the preening Dane.
And then they should insist the replacement for his faithful Ulsterman is Steve Bald.
A major transplant needs time to gel and we are lucky there is no tournament in the summer to distract our increasingly barking Alsatian.
After six years of it nearly but not quite fitting now is the time for Wonky Kroenke to adjust the barnet.